July is here

July is here

Not nearly as hot as a July usually is in Portland, but I suppose that's good.

July is here

So is my new nephew who was due 2 days before my little bub was due

July is here

And I am trying not to think about what this month would have brought

Instead I am focusing on what it HAS brought.

It has brought little Devon - I get to see him in a few weeks! (what will this make me feel?? Nervous to find out.)

It has brought a certain toddler of mine to be potty trained and in a big boy bed - months before I thought either would ever happen!

It has brought me to nearly 5 months pregnant.

It has brought more worry, relief, sadness, joy, exhaustion, confliction, confusion, and love than any other July has ever brought in the past.

Feeling my little baby (whom Zea has nicknamed, "Ducati") move inside of me makes me relieved and thankful. It makes this July feel a little less painful than it might otherwise have felt. It makes the news of my nephew's birth feel oddly bittersweet - a feeling that I expected, but didn't quite anticipate.

I thought maybe I'd get over the loss once I was pregnant, but now I am wondering if it will be with the birth of this one... and then I wonder if I will actually never get "over" it. I think having had my first son at the same time as my first nephew and knowing how fun it was set me up for added excitement at the announcements in November of the 2 days apart second children and now for the sadness I feel for the loss this July.

I am thrilled beyond belief that I have a new nephew and am loving the opportunity to be involved in his first few weeks - an opportunity I wanted with my first nephew. His mama did and is doing a great job at keeping me involved in the whole process despite the due date connection.

And I am thankful for what July HAS brought.

New Favorite Song...

So, I truly am doing well and this song has spoken to me in a big way, especially in light of the recent tragedy in Japan. I am not in control and I can handle that.

JJ Heller, Your Hands

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn’t there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still

Healing

I was thinking about what I wrote last week and realized it may have come across as quite emotional. Of course it was, miscarriage always is...

Whatever the post said or was, it is just one more step in the healing process. I have been more upbeat over the past week and more forward looking than I have since we lost the baby. Whilst unpacking from our move, I found (yes, I'm admitting I kept this!) the pee stick from that pregnancy. I NEVER kept any out of the 6 I took with Zea, and that pee stick was Luke's early birthday present.

I threw it away.

Another step.


The piano in our house is another source of healing. Another step.

Step by step we all heal from something in our lives.




Thank goodness for shoes.

Here Goes...

I've been thinking about this one a lot.

Mostly because it is happening all around me and I'm not really involved, well, personally. I mean, I am involved in other's, but perhaps not even as much as I'd like or would have been if I was myself.

We lost a baby.
It was due July 27th of this year. I don't keep track of how far along I would have been, but know just where I would have been based on the close friends and family that were pregnant (and due) around the same time as we were.


I think what inspired me to blog this is a friend that spoke words that I immediately disagreed with but upon thinking about them, I think she might be partially right. I told her we lost a baby and said that I was mostly inclined not to tell people. She asked why not and I said that I didn't want people to feel sorry for me. She responded: Yes you do.

Dang. Really?? No, actually, I don't, but I think I do want people to know that it is hard and for some people, impossible to "get over". I am thankful that have a husband who understands and knows first hand the process of grief. I think with a miscarriage the process goes a little faster the earlier you lose the baby (but then again, I have no idea, ours was 10 weeks).


~
My son just woke up momentarily from his nap and as I was rubbing his back to get him back to sleep, I was thinking this thought that has been in my head more and more these days: My purpose right now is to LIVE in the here and now. I am here for him. I am here for my husband. Instead of living in the "I wish I was still pregnant" I am trying to get into something like "Our family wasn't ready for another small person." Thats a little negative even. Comments like, "Well, there must have been something wrong with it" may be true, but also may not be accurate... Really, I need to get into "Our family is great just where it is, with one fantastic, healthy child." Zealand is benefitting from every month he has as an only child. I am thankful for him every moment I spend with him. My body benefits from every month that goes by since the loss; it regenerates and heals.
~


One friend of mine has done some online research on how to help a friend through a loss like this. If you have a friend who you don't know how to help through a rough patch (be it miscarriage or anything else), I HIGHLY suggest doing this! I only hope I have the insight to do this for my friends when they need it.


One of the hardest things about the loss is watching friends and family around me tread lightly with any mention of pregnancy. I have close friends who are pregnant and family members who are pregnant. I don't feel a need to change those relationships... But am worried that THEY want to change them. Maybe "Time really does heal" and after a while, we will get back to where we were.

Im just starting a book called, "Stuck" and for now, I do feel a little stuck, but with a little push and some good friends, I'll get unstuck, I reckon.



So maybe all that was too open and vulnerable and emotional. Oh well. Its good for you. Its good for me. That's what I meant by "Here Goes..."

Where a Kid Can Be a Kid

Zealand and I went to Toys 'R' Us today to escape the rain and play. We were walking around together (very relaxing, actually, to be in the midst of the chaos of the holiday season and not planning on buying ANYthing!) and a lady in her 60's approached us. She asked how old Zea was and I said 22 months.
I saw in her cart a bunch of toys for about Zealand's age and said, "looks like you are buying for about this age." She said her grandson was 3 and opened right up and told me that he had lost 3 limbs to meningococcal disease (aka Meningitis). She was trying to find some toys he could use with only one hand and not get frustrated and I think was hoping that she would be able to ask what exactly a 3 year old would normally like. She moved on but I said that I would think about what toys would be appropriate as I had worked in a preschool before having my son. We parted ways and I got to thinking...

A kid with 1 arm. That's it. That's tough.

I didn't think I would see her again, but she found me in the books. More information: this boy is the youngest of 5 kids, he only has 3 fingers on the only arm he has, he needs a lung transplant among other things, and this all JUST happened. Poor kid and poor parents. I can't even imagine! I gave her a few more ideas and we parted ways again. I came up with a few more ideas for him - more along the lines of psychological development. I figured that this kid would feel powerless for a while and frustrated with his inability to do things that he was previously able to do. Remote controlled toys and magnets might do the trick. Grandpa was there too and he was a little less concerned about what the kid might not be able to do but more about what he would have to learn how to do. I liked both of their perspectives. Yes it's sad, but everyone is going to need to get over it.


What do we dwell on that we need to just get over? How many of us say we can't do something that really, we can, we are just afraid to?
Also, what abilities do we take away from our kids because WE think they cant do it? What powers could they have if we gave them the opportunity?

Imagi-cycles

So, Zealand has been exercising his imagination a lot lately.
A couple of my favorites:

Any book that has a motorcycle in it he will open to that page, pinch at it like he wants to pull it off the page and when he realizes it is not coming off, will open the book all the way, straddle it and "brrrm" around the house on it. I don't deprive my son of the love of his life as the next story shows...

He has a very special blue motorcycle that has been lost about 4 times in the one week we have had it. It is small, about the size of a mans palm. He likes to hold onto the mini handlebars, hover about a foot over it and "brrrm" around the house. Quite often, he will toss the beloved toy to the side and throw himself down on the ground and say "Mama, mama" until I look at him. I look at him laying on his side with his leg and arm in the air and ask what happened... "Boom," he says. He expects a response from me every time: "Oh no! You fell off!" He nods, pats his head ("But I had a helmet!") and does it again.



Rinse, lather, repeat.

Just go to sleep!

I have been having to listen to my 21 month old call "mama, mama, mama" or "dada, dada, dada" for 20 minutes before he goes to sleep for about 2 weeks now. Tonight, before putting him in bed, I had this conversation with him: "Zealand. I love you. Daddy loves you. But when we put you in your bed, it is sleeping time. Tonight, when we put you in your bed, I want you to cuddle with Blue, close your eyes and go to sleep. No calling for mom. No calling for dad. You need to go to sleep."

We walked out of the room and closed the door.
Its been quiet for 38 minutes and counting. Why didn't I have that conversation way earlier???

Eh-steem Train

I've always stuggled with self-esteem issues. But, in case you were wondering, this post is not about self-esteem. Its about best friends.

I have two of them. One lives far away, the other lives close. I know they both know about each other and they are both friends to each other. It's awesome actually - I know they both care for each other, so most times I speak with the one that is far away or get together with the one that is close, they ask about the other one. Sometimes, though, I go a week or more not seeing or speaking with either one of these people and thats when the self-esteem drops.

But then, I see a FB post from one that she is going to go out with her "bestie".

And then, one of them calls and leaves a message that goes something like this: "Hey. I keep having to leave messages and you'd think that when a best friend calls, she wouldn't have to keep leaving messages for her best friend and that her best friend would fulfill her duties as a best friend and just call her best friend back. Anyway, I miss you, I love you and call me."




I love my friends.





Do your friends know that you love them??

Inspiration Collision

So, I was just inspired by a friend to blog again. She said something like, "So many funny things happen to you, you should keep a blog!" I thought, "I do have a blog, but I haven't written in it for a while." Another certain person used to ask me for more blogs and I just ignored her requests because I felt like there was really nothing to say.

Well, as I tried to write a succinct Facebook status, I realized this: facebook statuses are really good for things that are something less than about 20 words. Beyond that, they become rants. Blogs. Maybe they are actually mini blogs.

The mini blog I tried to status today was going to be something like, "April Barratt wants her car back. We were backed into on a highway (yes a 55 mph state highway) by some lady. But wait, it gets better. She backed into us with her horse trailer. She never called in to make a claim and now we are trying to get our Trooper fixed. I just got off the phone with her insurance agent who blew me off and treated me like I was 10. Now *I* have to call the claims people??"

Wow. Thats 81 words. Thats more than a mini blog.

G-U-double I-L-T

Why is it so dang controlling??
I know we have to overcome it and not let it get the best of us. I know you can't hang onto the past... Hakuna Matata, right?
But, dang... it really can get the best of a person.


Guilt is why I want another baby.



Im not ready because they are so cute or because I want my children to be 21 months apart or because I am ready for one.
I want another baby so I can do the nursing thing over.
I started nursing Zealand at 5 days (whole 'nother story) and stopped at 7 months ('nother whole story). Every time I see a nursing mother with her child that is around Zea's age, I have this terrible, strong jab of guilt that I will be making yet another bottle of formula for my guy. Every scoop of powder sends me deeper into it, too. I shake it up, cringing at the idea of him drinking this chalky stuff, knowing it is mass produced with all sorts of junk in it that breast milk doesnt have.

We did our best, yes, but I still feel awful.

Even more so when I hear other mothers (not knowing what our circumstance was) say how beautiful breast feeding is, how natural, how serene. They say how bad formula is, "How could your knowingly put that stuff into your baby's body?"

I am not trying to kill my son by giving him formula. I am not trying to make his immune system weaker. I don't want his IQ to be lower. I am so lucky formula was invented.
We don't live in small, tight-knit communities where other mothers can help out with feeding if Mother A can't produce.




I guess I could go on, but bottom line is, I feel bad. Thank you. Please just support me for what I did and what I chose. Maybe it will be beautiful for my next baby. Some support would be nice...


No, actually, bottom line is, how am I going to overcome my guilt. It's no fair placing that responsibility on my body or on my next baby. I need to find a way to get through the guilt. Education sometimes works. I could inform people that it is not all roses for a lot of people. ... I have done this though, and gotten looks like, "You just didn't try hard enough." (Thats like telling your pre-walker, "Try harder!!")
Get over it is tough when there are two nursing mothers in front of you and your baby is sucking down icky formula.


What do you do to get over your guilt??

Starting backwards

I had the thoughts from the previous post floating around in my head for long enough. They came out and now my brain is socially ready introduce myself and my blog!

Hi.
Uh, I am first and foremost a dork, always have been, always will be. Even my 12 month old son looks at me funny.

This is ok for so many reasons... One: my husband loves me. Two: my son laughs at me. Three: I DO have friends. somewhere. out there. Four: my salvation is not based on dork-points. Five: I'm just glad to have that many reasons!



I never thought I would have a blog. I don't need one more thing to take my time up. I already spend far too much time on the computer and not enough time on housework. BUT, here I am. I have so many things floating around in my dork brain sometimes and www.facebook.com/april.barratt is just not the appropriate outlet for those thoughts. I don't care if people read them and really, people might not care if I write them! So, Blog, you are mine and I am yours. It's better than a paper journal where I go buy a journal and fancy writing pens and promptly loose where I put them in the stack on the table...

Make new friends, but...

So, I love making new friends. Especially new friends with kids. Especially kids my kids age. I am a stay at home mom and often meet other stay at home moms. This past Friday, I met a nice parent with a 15 month old boy... but this parent was a dad.

We chatted the usual, "how old is yours?", "how old is yours?". "When did he start walking?", "He is so friendly!".

Then we got a little deeper, Him: "boys are a lot of fun" Me: "is this your first time here?" Him: "No, we have made a Friday tradition of breakfast next door and toy store play time." Me: "What a good idea! I bet he loves that."

We chatted a bit longer, laughing as the two boys played near each other and then my boy had a melt down. Nap time. We left, briefly raising hands to say "bye".

I walk down the street thinking my usual after meeting another parent, "That was nice, I hope I see him again..."

Thats where I had to do a double-think. (Like a double-take, only it is non-physical and only in my head) HIM. I hope I see HIM again. Is that ok? Is it ok that I want to see another guy again that is not my son nor my husband? Since I have always had more guys as friends than girls, even this wondering caught me a little off guard.

My thoughts are: yes. It is fine. I have boundaries and they are set.

Then, no. Not good. I don't want to make this guy think I am hitting on him.

Well, yes. We are both married, we made that clear when we were talking.

Yes. As long as Luke knows and knows my complete thoughts on this, its ok. If he has any doubts, then I will choose a different day to have a breakfast-toy store routine. (He knows and has no qualms)

What is right in Gods eyes? I would imagine that so long as the friendship remains a toy store playdate or we start inviting our spouses, the possibility of sin is far, far away.

Next Friday, my mother-in-law will be here and Luke wants to come at least for breakfast. Friday is the only day we can do breakfast all together, so if we go, I can make a point that I am fully and happily taken, I am not hitting on him, but that having a friendship sounds nice.

Maybe his wife will be there next week.