July is here

July is here

Not nearly as hot as a July usually is in Portland, but I suppose that's good.

July is here

So is my new nephew who was due 2 days before my little bub was due

July is here

And I am trying not to think about what this month would have brought

Instead I am focusing on what it HAS brought.

It has brought little Devon - I get to see him in a few weeks! (what will this make me feel?? Nervous to find out.)

It has brought a certain toddler of mine to be potty trained and in a big boy bed - months before I thought either would ever happen!

It has brought me to nearly 5 months pregnant.

It has brought more worry, relief, sadness, joy, exhaustion, confliction, confusion, and love than any other July has ever brought in the past.

Feeling my little baby (whom Zea has nicknamed, "Ducati") move inside of me makes me relieved and thankful. It makes this July feel a little less painful than it might otherwise have felt. It makes the news of my nephew's birth feel oddly bittersweet - a feeling that I expected, but didn't quite anticipate.

I thought maybe I'd get over the loss once I was pregnant, but now I am wondering if it will be with the birth of this one... and then I wonder if I will actually never get "over" it. I think having had my first son at the same time as my first nephew and knowing how fun it was set me up for added excitement at the announcements in November of the 2 days apart second children and now for the sadness I feel for the loss this July.

I am thrilled beyond belief that I have a new nephew and am loving the opportunity to be involved in his first few weeks - an opportunity I wanted with my first nephew. His mama did and is doing a great job at keeping me involved in the whole process despite the due date connection.

And I am thankful for what July HAS brought.