I've been thinking about this one a lot.
Mostly because it is happening all around me and I'm not really involved, well, personally. I mean, I am involved in other's, but perhaps not even as much as I'd like or would have been if I was myself.
We lost a baby.
It was due July 27th of this year. I don't keep track of how far along I would have been, but know just where I would have been based on the close friends and family that were pregnant (and due) around the same time as we were.
I think what inspired me to blog this is a friend that spoke words that I immediately disagreed with but upon thinking about them, I think she might be partially right. I told her we lost a baby and said that I was mostly inclined not to tell people. She asked why not and I said that I didn't want people to feel sorry for me. She responded: Yes you do.
Dang. Really?? No, actually, I don't, but I think I do want people to know that it is hard and for some people, impossible to "get over". I am thankful that have a husband who understands and knows first hand the process of grief. I think with a miscarriage the process goes a little faster the earlier you lose the baby (but then again, I have no idea, ours was 10 weeks).
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My son just woke up momentarily from his nap and as I was rubbing his back to get him back to sleep, I was thinking this thought that has been in my head more and more these days: My purpose right now is to LIVE in the here and now. I am here for him. I am here for my husband. Instead of living in the "I wish I was still pregnant" I am trying to get into something like "Our family wasn't ready for another small person." Thats a little negative even. Comments like, "Well, there must have been something wrong with it" may be true, but also may not be accurate... Really, I need to get into "Our family is great just where it is, with one fantastic, healthy child." Zealand is benefitting from every month he has as an only child. I am thankful for him every moment I spend with him. My body benefits from every month that goes by since the loss; it regenerates and heals.
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One friend of mine has done some online research on how to help a friend through a loss like this. If you have a friend who you don't know how to help through a rough patch (be it miscarriage or anything else), I HIGHLY suggest doing this! I only hope I have the insight to do this for my friends when they need it.
One of the hardest things about the loss is watching friends and family around me tread lightly with any mention of pregnancy. I have close friends who are pregnant and family members who are pregnant. I don't feel a need to change those relationships... But am worried that THEY want to change them. Maybe "Time really does heal" and after a while, we will get back to where we were.
Im just starting a book called, "Stuck" and for now, I do feel a little stuck, but with a little push and some good friends, I'll get unstuck, I reckon.
So maybe all that was too open and vulnerable and emotional. Oh well. Its good for you. Its good for me. That's what I meant by "Here Goes..."
