Why is it so dang controlling??
I know we have to overcome it and not let it get the best of us. I know you can't hang onto the past... Hakuna Matata, right?
But, dang... it really can get the best of a person.
Guilt is why I want another baby.
Im not ready because they are so cute or because I want my children to be 21 months apart or because I am ready for one.
I want another baby so I can do the nursing thing over.
I started nursing Zealand at 5 days (whole 'nother story) and stopped at 7 months ('nother whole story). Every time I see a nursing mother with her child that is around Zea's age, I have this terrible, strong jab of guilt that I will be making yet another bottle of formula for my guy. Every scoop of powder sends me deeper into it, too. I shake it up, cringing at the idea of him drinking this chalky stuff, knowing it is mass produced with all sorts of junk in it that breast milk doesnt have.
We did our best, yes, but I still feel awful.
Even more so when I hear other mothers (not knowing what our circumstance was) say how beautiful breast feeding is, how natural, how serene. They say how bad formula is, "How could your knowingly put that stuff into your baby's body?"
I am not trying to kill my son by giving him formula. I am not trying to make his immune system weaker. I don't want his IQ to be lower. I am so lucky formula was invented.
We don't live in small, tight-knit communities where other mothers can help out with feeding if Mother A can't produce.
I guess I could go on, but bottom line is, I feel bad. Thank you. Please just support me for what I did and what I chose. Maybe it will be beautiful for my next baby. Some support would be nice...
No, actually, bottom line is, how am I going to overcome my guilt. It's no fair placing that responsibility on my body or on my next baby. I need to find a way to get through the guilt. Education sometimes works. I could inform people that it is not all roses for a lot of people. ... I have done this though, and gotten looks like, "You just didn't try hard enough." (Thats like telling your pre-walker, "Try harder!!")
Get over it is tough when there are two nursing mothers in front of you and your baby is sucking down icky formula.
What do you do to get over your guilt??
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I am one of those mothers who keep talking about "breast is best" and I am sorry if it ever made you feel worse. :(
ReplyDeleteWith so much ignorance amongst young mothers today it is important to try help make others think before they do something to their baby.. but that ignorance definitely doesn't include you! And it is good that you put your voice out there reminding everyone that there are mommys out there who have tried, to only have their hopes crushed.
I know that you are not the only well informed mother who was forced to give their baby formula. There are many others who I know of that had to come to that awful realization that they can't give their baby what they need.. no matter how hard they try.
I have also seen what you had to do in order to even make the experience of breast-feeding remotely comfortable and admired you for your tenacity.
Even though you couldn't give him everything you wished to give him, your little boy is healthy and happy and that is what is important!
I don't know if more reading, another baby or time will make the guilty feeling go away.. but I do know that there will be many more occasions where we will feel guilty as we try raise our children in the best way we can. In the future there will be other occasions where things outside of our power will happen to our children that we will wish that it didn't have to happen that way, and then have to trust that God knows best. He is in control and, through our heartache, is developing us into better mommys. :)
Hi April, I just started reading your blog and love it! This post especially touched me because I breastfed all 3 of mine and would love to have that chance again. Having said that, I've learned quite the same lesson and dealt with the same guilt as you in a different way. I feel so passionate about homeschooling my children and did this for almost 3 years. When we moved to south africa and I lost my support network, we just couldn't make it work. We prayed fervently (as I"m sure you did with your situation) and God so clearly gave us the answer of putting them in school for now. There have been many great things that have come out of this, but I still shudder at the idea of how much better an academic, tailored, God-centered education they could be having with me, besides the fact that I miss being with my kids! But I have to trust that God knows exactly what I need, what they need and when we need it. If I have prayed to him, and asked him to guide him, then I must trust that he is bringing us through these circumstances according to his plan for our family. Easy to say, hard to do. Thank you so much for sharing your perspective as I am a breastfeeding advocate as well. It teaches us all that we must be so compassionate, gentle and humble when we talk with others as God has us all on different paths at different times for different reasons. God bless you and your sweet family!
ReplyDeleteSeventh months is still incredible. I know many people who had too stop even sooner or never could at all for medical reasons.
ReplyDeleteI remember visiting you when he was a teeny baby when the breatfeeding was effecting your body in intense and not fun ways and you didn't give up. So many people would have stopped at that point but you kept at it, talked to specialists, did everything you could.
Guilt is a hard feeling to overcome but you should remind yourself you did a whole lot to breastfeed him those seven months and that is amazing.
And yes breast feeding is first choice but I know someone with twins who for medical reasons could never breast feed at all. And her kids are in kindergarten now and are the best readers in their class. Formula won't kill him, hes going to grow up to be smart and kind and so special all because he has such a wonderful mom so dedicated to making his life the best it can possibly be.